the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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