I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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