I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
