I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
