it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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