I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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