watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
