last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
