She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
