At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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