I cannot find my penis.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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