i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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