You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
how drunk are you?
Several
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
