is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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