Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
