I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
