New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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