he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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