she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize