Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
