I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
