Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize