I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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