Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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