he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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