it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
