I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Randomize
