It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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