Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize