Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
