We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize