It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
