The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
