I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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