what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Come on in and take your pants off
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