You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
