I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
