I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
