Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
