my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
COCAINE IS GR8
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
