so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
