his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
this boner is exhausting
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
