my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
