pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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