Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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