Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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