if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
