i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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