I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
