There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
God, I missed his penis.
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