party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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