Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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