did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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