I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You were trust falling into bushes
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dear god my vagina.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize