he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
