I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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