Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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