You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
