I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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