Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
