i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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