Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
