I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
