Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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