Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
